Game Changer

Night Club Simulator for the Deaf

My Second foray into web design

My First foray into web design

Choccy philly?

As I was perusing Tesco the other day for my weekly dietary requirement of baked beans, vodka and any cereal featuring a terrifyingly happy mascot and alarming sugar content, I happened upon a strange thing.

As I arrived at the refrigerated Philadelphia section, wondering idly about the merits of purchasing the aforementioned delectable cheese spread, I noticed something odd.

There was a newcomer.

Sat next to the regular Philadelphia and its flavored cousins, was a tub, colored not in white, but in the distinctive blue that signifies the presence of that choccy totin’ diabetes-givin’ chocolossus; Cadburys.

This was unexpected. I knew that Kraft, the makers of Philadelphia had bought Cadbury sometime in the past, but I assumed that seeing this bizarre food mash could only be the product of a stroke of some sort, as although it can be perfectly fine for one company to own and run another, Hellmann's mayonnaise and Dove soap are owned by the same people, and I hope to god they never attempt a cross-over product.

Here’s the root of the problem with this new chocolate Philadelphia - cheese. Philadelphia is quite definitely a cheese. It is a fine cheese, don’t get me wrong, but a cheese nonetheless, which makes the idea of adding chocolate quite unappealing. Even as you look at it in the shop, mentally the two worlds of cheese and chocolate are colliding with such force as to make your mind hurt. There have been many successful food fusions in the past; peanut butter and jam, fish fingers and custard, chilli and chocolate, pepper and strawberries, or noodles on toast, but chocolate and cheese is not among these success stories (all of which I suggest you try if you yet haven’t).

I'm boggled by the fact that someone at Kraft at some point decided that this was a good idea. Philadelphia has done well for itself. They practically own the market for spreading cream cheese, to the extent that I can’t even name a single rival (if there are any). They then had another stroke of genius in skipping the middle man and pre-adding many of the things the public love to add to phily, like chilli or chives, and not chocolate. All of these previously existing products are simply fantastic, and form a part of many of my favorite foods, especially the chilli one, which is what I imagine the clouds of heaven taste like. 

So why they would attack the chocolate spread market is beyond me. Cadbury already has an excellent chocolate spread, and the fact is that Nutella is the only sane choice most of the time anyway, leaving the market pretty clearly not lacking some new cheese based wonder product.

And yet what they decided was, that the market needs something that's essentially Cadbury's chocolate spread, but tastes a bit more like cheese, and goes off if you don't refrigerate it.

Nice one Kraft.

Movie Mashup #5

Everyday problems

Everyone has problems.

Personally, I have just over 98 problems, some of which include: a fear of screaming, a blood feud with Santa and a stalker that turned out to be my own alter ego.

Anyway, being the kind soul that I am, I have decided to help solve a few everyday problems for you; the readers (both of you).

My dream Job

I hate dealing with my boss

My solution is long term unemployment. This particular technique has helped me get over a particularly nasty boss I had around a year ago. He  was always going on about something, saying those typical boss things like ”move that over there” and “casual Friday isn’t an excuse for inciting racial hatred” or “you’re not allowed to keep pythons in my office”

He was a real slave driver, or that was what it said in the police report I filed claiming he was an underground slave trader.

Anyway the whole experience traumatized me so much I’ve been forced to become a jobless unwashed alcoholic jabbering layabout – or “student” as they’re called these days

I hate dealing with my bass

The bass can be irritable fish at the best of times, so constant care is needed. Try to avoid being seen with other fish, as this will only lead to a nasty smelling slap

The commute is so depressing

Have you thought about changing your method of transport?

The Queen of England used to complain constantly about her commute from Windsor Castle to Buckingham Palace, saying that it had to many silly safety regulations which made it boring (in fact, the royal family have never been fans of seatbelts).

The queen now gets around in the chariot that’s pulled by swans and flies a majestic banner that reads “because I CAN!!!” and she is much happier now.

My country is bankrupt after years of lazy tax collection and high level corruption

HA

Feel like criticizing our cars and our food now do you?

I’m afraid that people don’t listen to me

Have you tried replacing the carburettor?

Hangovers

These are one of the greatest problems faced the modern man, and one that many have tried and failed to find a solution for. I personally have a method, though it cannot fully numb the pain of mornings, as only death’s sweet embrace can do that.

1) Get a large plastic jug, like the kind you may make a smoothie in, or trap a tarantula

2)add  the following:

                2 eggs

                soy suace

                Ice

                turkey extract

                water vapour

An Artist's impression of the cruise ship captain

                the tears of a child

                some compressed marmite

3) stir with a fork while muttering satanic oaths

4)throw it a someone - laughing at them usually helps my hangovers

Driving this cruise ship is boring

Well I’m sure that one game of angry birds can’t hurt

 My car keeps making mooing noises

That is not a car, that is a cow, and you are most likely hurting it. Return it at once to a field and yourself to a hospital.

Also remove any items you may have placed in the "boot".

I’m always losing things

Steal someone else's things

It is a well known fact that soon scientists will be able to bestow life upon inanimate objects, much in the manner of Disney films, and when that day comes, objects will simply be trained to follow you around like diminutive emotionless slaves. Then obviously subjugation will lead to bitterness and eventual bloody revolt, and an apocalyptic future much like terminator, but with more toasters and a catchier soundtrack.

I can’t find love

Then let love find you.

The best way to gain a partner is to use some kind of snare to get a member of the opposite sex to notice you, and then you can move forward from there. good examples of snares include interesting clothes, a new haircut or what I use, which is a large pit dug in the woods, covered with leaves (this does attract a fair number of bears though, which can be good or bad though depending on your mood)

My tumble-dryer keeps talking to me

Tell him to put a sock in it!

The cold

Then fight fire with fire. And by that I mean set things on fire, and then fight those things with more fires. Everyone loves a bit of fire, and none more so than pensioners, young children and log cabin residents, so why not give them an “incendiary surprise” to brighten their boring and previously non-combusting lives. Pretty soon you’ll be basking balmy heat, and you may even make the news

I hate mornings

Become nocturnal, that way you can mix things up by hating the evenings instead.

What’s better than being filled with rage as you watch the sunset?

There are students and other hippy types protesting in the financial centre of my city, what should I do?

GAS THE FUCKERS!!

The only sensible way to deal with peaceful protesters is the use of excessive force and chemical weaponry. Show no mercy as you poison and humiliate them for believing in something.

Use airstrikes if you can get them.


My essay about self-automated typewriters it going badly
Well, it won't write itself