Choccy philly?

As I was perusing Tesco the other day for my weekly dietary requirement of baked beans, vodka and any cereal featuring a terrifyingly happy mascot and alarming sugar content, I happened upon a strange thing.

As I arrived at the refrigerated Philadelphia section, wondering idly about the merits of purchasing the aforementioned delectable cheese spread, I noticed something odd.

There was a newcomer.

Sat next to the regular Philadelphia and its flavored cousins, was a tub, colored not in white, but in the distinctive blue that signifies the presence of that choccy totin’ diabetes-givin’ chocolossus; Cadburys.

This was unexpected. I knew that Kraft, the makers of Philadelphia had bought Cadbury sometime in the past, but I assumed that seeing this bizarre food mash could only be the product of a stroke of some sort, as although it can be perfectly fine for one company to own and run another, Hellmann's mayonnaise and Dove soap are owned by the same people, and I hope to god they never attempt a cross-over product.

Here’s the root of the problem with this new chocolate Philadelphia - cheese. Philadelphia is quite definitely a cheese. It is a fine cheese, don’t get me wrong, but a cheese nonetheless, which makes the idea of adding chocolate quite unappealing. Even as you look at it in the shop, mentally the two worlds of cheese and chocolate are colliding with such force as to make your mind hurt. There have been many successful food fusions in the past; peanut butter and jam, fish fingers and custard, chilli and chocolate, pepper and strawberries, or noodles on toast, but chocolate and cheese is not among these success stories (all of which I suggest you try if you yet haven’t).

I'm boggled by the fact that someone at Kraft at some point decided that this was a good idea. Philadelphia has done well for itself. They practically own the market for spreading cream cheese, to the extent that I can’t even name a single rival (if there are any). They then had another stroke of genius in skipping the middle man and pre-adding many of the things the public love to add to phily, like chilli or chives, and not chocolate. All of these previously existing products are simply fantastic, and form a part of many of my favorite foods, especially the chilli one, which is what I imagine the clouds of heaven taste like. 

So why they would attack the chocolate spread market is beyond me. Cadbury already has an excellent chocolate spread, and the fact is that Nutella is the only sane choice most of the time anyway, leaving the market pretty clearly not lacking some new cheese based wonder product.

And yet what they decided was, that the market needs something that's essentially Cadbury's chocolate spread, but tastes a bit more like cheese, and goes off if you don't refrigerate it.

Nice one Kraft.

Everyday problems

Everyone has problems.

Personally, I have just over 98 problems, some of which include: a fear of screaming, a blood feud with Santa and a stalker that turned out to be my own alter ego.

Anyway, being the kind soul that I am, I have decided to help solve a few everyday problems for you; the readers (both of you).

My dream Job

I hate dealing with my boss

My solution is long term unemployment. This particular technique has helped me get over a particularly nasty boss I had around a year ago. He  was always going on about something, saying those typical boss things like ”move that over there” and “casual Friday isn’t an excuse for inciting racial hatred” or “you’re not allowed to keep pythons in my office”

He was a real slave driver, or that was what it said in the police report I filed claiming he was an underground slave trader.

Anyway the whole experience traumatized me so much I’ve been forced to become a jobless unwashed alcoholic jabbering layabout – or “student” as they’re called these days

I hate dealing with my bass

The bass can be irritable fish at the best of times, so constant care is needed. Try to avoid being seen with other fish, as this will only lead to a nasty smelling slap

The commute is so depressing

Have you thought about changing your method of transport?

The Queen of England used to complain constantly about her commute from Windsor Castle to Buckingham Palace, saying that it had to many silly safety regulations which made it boring (in fact, the royal family have never been fans of seatbelts).

The queen now gets around in the chariot that’s pulled by swans and flies a majestic banner that reads “because I CAN!!!” and she is much happier now.

My country is bankrupt after years of lazy tax collection and high level corruption

HA

Feel like criticizing our cars and our food now do you?

I’m afraid that people don’t listen to me

Have you tried replacing the carburettor?

Hangovers

These are one of the greatest problems faced the modern man, and one that many have tried and failed to find a solution for. I personally have a method, though it cannot fully numb the pain of mornings, as only death’s sweet embrace can do that.

1) Get a large plastic jug, like the kind you may make a smoothie in, or trap a tarantula

2)add  the following:

                2 eggs

                soy suace

                Ice

                turkey extract

                water vapour

An Artist's impression of the cruise ship captain

                the tears of a child

                some compressed marmite

3) stir with a fork while muttering satanic oaths

4)throw it a someone - laughing at them usually helps my hangovers

Driving this cruise ship is boring

Well I’m sure that one game of angry birds can’t hurt

 My car keeps making mooing noises

That is not a car, that is a cow, and you are most likely hurting it. Return it at once to a field and yourself to a hospital.

Also remove any items you may have placed in the "boot".

I’m always losing things

Steal someone else's things

It is a well known fact that soon scientists will be able to bestow life upon inanimate objects, much in the manner of Disney films, and when that day comes, objects will simply be trained to follow you around like diminutive emotionless slaves. Then obviously subjugation will lead to bitterness and eventual bloody revolt, and an apocalyptic future much like terminator, but with more toasters and a catchier soundtrack.

I can’t find love

Then let love find you.

The best way to gain a partner is to use some kind of snare to get a member of the opposite sex to notice you, and then you can move forward from there. good examples of snares include interesting clothes, a new haircut or what I use, which is a large pit dug in the woods, covered with leaves (this does attract a fair number of bears though, which can be good or bad though depending on your mood)

My tumble-dryer keeps talking to me

Tell him to put a sock in it!

The cold

Then fight fire with fire. And by that I mean set things on fire, and then fight those things with more fires. Everyone loves a bit of fire, and none more so than pensioners, young children and log cabin residents, so why not give them an “incendiary surprise” to brighten their boring and previously non-combusting lives. Pretty soon you’ll be basking balmy heat, and you may even make the news

I hate mornings

Become nocturnal, that way you can mix things up by hating the evenings instead.

What’s better than being filled with rage as you watch the sunset?

There are students and other hippy types protesting in the financial centre of my city, what should I do?

GAS THE FUCKERS!!

The only sensible way to deal with peaceful protesters is the use of excessive force and chemical weaponry. Show no mercy as you poison and humiliate them for believing in something.

Use airstrikes if you can get them.


My essay about self-automated typewriters it going badly
Well, it won't write itself

Just for the Halibut

The Following text conversation actually took place, and was completed without the aid of the internet. It is the sort of thing that makes me believe that I am in medication that I don't know about.

Or maybe it's all the fish

ME: There is a man here who looks so much like a fish that I had to tell someone

LEO: Try to Flash fry him

ME: I failed – he’s a slipper character

LEO: The whole enterprise sounds like a damp squid

ME: And it would have only made him crabby

LEO: Plus if you didn’t cook him properly it’d probably make you eel

ME: And eating him all would have been a little shellfish

LEO: Plus you would have made a fair few anenomies

ME: Shame really, we could have had a whale of a time

LEO: Well I’m sure he wasn’t cruel to you on porpoise

ME: If he had, I would have noticed him carping on about it

LEO: Well, he’ll soon change his tuna

ME: I’ll seal his fate

LEO: Feed him to the street urchins!

ME: They’re shrimpy little guys

LEO: Well, they were prawn that way…

ME: Cod made them that way I guess

LEO: Just the wrong time and plaice I suppose

ME: Makes me feel clammy just thinking about it

LEO: I would like to call a formal end to this fish pun session now by saying: the end. Fin.

ME: Damn.

Note: some of the texts have been abbreviated, so as to highlight the fishy goodness.

So long and thanks for all the fish - puns

A Guide to New Zealand

Having finally found out how to turn my keyboard the right way up (turns out it was less to do with the keyboard, and more to do with what doctors would later call "a never before seen levels of sheep tranquilizer in the bloodstream"), I can now embark on a serious blog post from the land down under (the other one, that's not Australia (which is coincidentally New Zealand' s entry in the "US government world fact book")).

Anyway: New Zealand - The Roundup

Geography
Situated a convenient 18 hours from New York, it is an oddly shaped landmass, formed of two islands, both of which will claim to be the larger if you listen to the locals. It was discovered, like every other place which has "new" in the title, a man on a ship, long ago, before gay was a term meaning mildly annoying, and before even gay meant homosexual - basically the dark ages. The name itself is curious, as nobody knows where the original "Zealand" actually is, and most historians believe it may have been near Atlantis.

People
New Zealand has a remarkably small population, most of whom are surprisingly friendly, especially if you are wearing wool. Like all ex-colonies, they speak english slightly wrong, but on the whole they are easy to understand, and if you are not sure is going on, smile and mutter something bad about aussies

Exports
New Zealand exports, wool, musical coemdy duos and general sense of wellbeing to the rest of the world.
That is all.
Oh yeah and orcs and that

Activities

New Zealand has a great many non sheep-based activities, the most famous of which, involves hurling yourself of bridges or other high objects. Over the years it has become increasingly popular, but the real spike in popularity came in the 1980's, when bungy cord was invented, and the tagline "once in a lifetime experience" became a lot more of a generalization.

Wildlife
Mainly wool based.
Differs from Australia in that most animals have in and around the right number of legs, and very little of them kill you.
Their national animal is the Kiwi, a bird so finely honed by evolution, that it is flightless, quite stupid, and looks like it is wearing a fake beak, a move which i wouldn't put past it as a means of disuising itself from predators.
The Kiwi is possibly one of the worst national animals to choose, as its nearly extinct, and lives mainly in special santucaries - which is a lovely national image.

The TV Guide

Stuff that I would definitely watch

Facejacker

A dangerous mental patient is released onto the streets of a major city with the intention to physically steal people's faces and use to to evade detection

Man Fall Down

Action based game show in which contestants are given a loose set of objectives to achieve with a monumental number of obstacles to stop them. Spine shatteringly funny injuries as contestants sacrifice dignity, humanity and physical health in order to claw desperately at the cash prize

Big Brother: George Orwell Edition

Contestants are abducted from their homes and entombed in a large modern house in which they are subject to the whim of an unseen Stalinist dictator. Contestants are regularly abducted, tortured and used to spy on one another. There is no clear winner.

Terrorists Do the Darndest Things
Bill Cosby hosts this hilarious clip show in which under-cover reporters document the inner workings of terrorist plots, and the hilarious consequences when they go wrong. Classic slapstick maiming in some good old fashioned patriotic family fun

Desparate House-fires

This drama documents the scandalous lives of a group of middle aged housewives in california - who are on fire

House M.C.
Watch the hard-hearted hilarious doctor take on the the world of rap-battles in downtown Los Angeles. Gun-toting verbose off-beat drama with lovable characters and occasional serious overtones

The Midget Olympics
Yes you've seen the regular olympics, the paralympics and even the special olypics, but now, thanks to combined lobbying of the little people's rerpresentetive comitee, and a few others who also think midgets are hilarious, there is now an olympics entirely for midgets.
Watch and guiltily laugh as they tackle events like the shotput, swimming and the crowd favorite, the hurdles.

Hole in the Wall - Public Bathroom

Contestants are offered a cash prize if they can extract vital information from a stranger in a public bathroom. Watch the hilarious consequences as they find out exactly what it means to play "Hole in the Wall"

Meth-Busters
Two moustachioed  professional scienticaians, who have only a slightly homo-erotic relationship, are armed with power-tools and explosives in an attempt to crack down on London's crystal meth intake.
There are few survivors

Come Die with me

A group of discerning diners are challenged to cook meals for one another in order to compete for the smallest cash prize avalable to man, but the twist is, one diner is a member of a suicide cult.

Two and a Half Leaders#
This hilarious sitcom stars two polar opposite men who unexpectedly end up living in the same household in London, with a troublesome economy to look after and some hilarious consequences

Extreme Fishing

Exciting nautical action as presenters go mano-a-mano with some of the world's largest and most dangerous fish

The Juan Show

Breakfast news and discussion with opinionated sports journalist; Juan Nhil.
This week:
Does Obama really have laser vision
If your parents give you a hilarious yet massively inconvenient name, do they still love you?
Interviews with twins Ilene and Ben Dover, Hugh Jass, Jaun Carr and Iona Willie

Pokemon - Behind the Balls

Andrew Marr looks into the sinister world behind the magic of pokemon, and how the hit children's franchise evolved out of illegal underground Japanese costume dog-fighting rings

Author's Note:

Yes I know this was dug from an old Heretick, but I'm a little busy at the moment, so I took out all the election centred stuff, and added a few new ones.

Things that should have been in Harry Potter

Unfortunately, I recently found my self feeding the all consuming power that is the Harry Potter franchise, by going to watch the latest Harry potter film: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

As I watched, there was one point that nagged me, other than the bad acting, the fact the Daniel Radcliffe is so old for the part that he's seriously thinking about his pension, and the fact that most of the characters completely forget that they have the ability to use magic most of the time, and that was their reluctance to use magic for anything useful or cool.

If magic was a part of my world, it would be a different story, and to illustrate this, here are 12 ideas that I believe should be in the Harry Potter universe:

1) Magic Mobile Phones

It strikes me that phones, or even a magical equivalent would be incredibly useful in the Harry Potter universe. There is a scene when Harry sticks his face in a fire to talk to someone, when a simple text would have sufficed.

This would eliminate the, in my opinion, frankly cruel practise of making owls fly the length and breadth of the country in order to deliver your Christmas cards.

That said, owls are pretty pimpin.

2) Magic Drugs

With the sort of chemical activity that we're told occurs regularly at Hogwarts, why isn't there a thriving drug culture?

 Not only does it appear to be relatively easy to steal magical ingredients, but you'd assume that with potions to do most things, there would be some wizards who'd dream up incredible highs, which would not only be better than normal drugs, but hopefully not kill you so much either.

3) Promiscuity

When you have a bunch of teenagers, whose hormones are presumably reverberating around them like so many fireworks in a small shed, locked in together in a large building, I find it hard to believe that a quick snog under some mistletoe in a magic room is all that happens.

It strikes me that Hogwarts should probably invest in a substantial sexual health clinic, as I shudder to think what magic STDs are like.

 4) Drunk magic

Presuming that there is alcohol available in the magic community, it seems the next obvious thing that wizards should be getting drunk and doing stupid things magically.

Surely wizards would be waking up to find that they have no money, no memory, the penis you drew on your friend has become a real penis, and that your car now has feet.

5) Cheap methods of broom-less flight:

1.     Wear shoes

2.     Use levitation spell on shoes

3.     FLY!!

6) The Internet!

Surely having a massive source of information like the internet would appeal to the magical community, and make life easier for everyone.

Hermione seems to spend an inordinate amount of time in the library, where as everyone else would simply Google it.

Want to know what a horcrux is? - Wikileaks

Want to find out a certain spell? - Magipedia ©

Surely the marauder's map would be handy as an iphone app?

Surely blogs could replace pensieves?

7) Silenced Wand

As pictured above, the wand is fitted with a suppressor to remove that pesky whoosh sound whenever you attempt to so much as magically wipe your own nose, and also reduces the massive light flash.

This enables stealth take-downs and eliminates the need to leap blindly into rooms full of bad people, and let luck do the rest.

I picture a black-ops style operation in which highly trained wizard teams can stealthily take out targets, without long, special effects heavy fights, which seem to consist of playing tennis using fire.

8) Firearms

I've been saying this for a long time, but surely guns would be highly effective against even really good wizards.

I find it hard to believe that say, Dumbledore could successfully block a supersonic .50 cal round. In fact I'd say he'd have no idea what hit him.

While the problem that magic is arguably more powerful than guns does hold water, as presumably spells are bulletproof, then a simple solution still suggests itself:

Magic Guns – you can’t argue with that

9) The Hand-bag house

In the latest instalment of the book, Hermione goes all Mary Poppins, and reveals that her handbag can house a small library as well as loads of other useful stuff.

Other than the obvious problems of it weighing a ton, and the fact that the bag's opening is too small to fit a lot of things through, it strikes me as the obvious thing to simply get inside it.

Presumably you could create your wizard crib in there and do the whole “we’re in hiding” thing, in the lost property of a starbucks somewhere.

10) Anyone at all who knows even basic Latin

Surely there must have been someone somewhere in the harry potter world who thought to themselves “wait a minute, the spell for fire, is suspiciously similar to the Latin word for fire”. What I am forced to conclude from this, is that the Romans were all wizards, and this has been hushed up, and is now some sort of joke at the expense of non-wizards. They must hang around the Colosseum smirking and saying to themselves “these guys think that they built this with their hands!! – gullible fools”

This also goes a little way to explaining why they wear robes and speak Latin in the Catholic Church.

11) X-ray specs

These would definitely have been invented, probably by Fred and George, as a way to let people see through Hermione’s robes.

It could be done.

And it so would have been.

12) A sense of duty to actually help the world?

There are a number of things like pollution, poverty and AIDS, which I get the feeling that a magic wand could probably go a long way towards helping with.

Now, I don’t mean to sound like a goddamn hippy here, but if a hungry Ethiopian saw a wizard pulling roast chicken out of the air, he’d start trying to eat his own limbs.
Are wizards completely ignorant, or are they just selfish dicks?

How to make the atmosphere of a small space, much worse

We've all been in small, crowded places with strangers, such as crowded trains, tubes, buses and lifts.
As they are not only annoying, but also boring, here are some ways to make what ever journey you're undertaking more interesting:

• Complain loudly about how crowded it is in here - be sure to ask people if they've noticed
• Pass out sexual health leaflets
• See how much skin on skin contact you can achieve
• Fart loudly - stare down anyone who looks at you
• Attempt a series of stretches on the grounds that you can get cramp from standing still for too long
• Fail to discreetly tell other passengers that you suspect another passenger hasn't showered in a while
• Loudly state: "well this is awkward"
• Chose one person - stare at them
• Release bees - lots of bees
• (lifts only) As the lift begins to rise, put one hand in the air like superman and exclaim "to the skies!"
• See how many times you can revolve on the spot before the journey ends
• Record all your thoughts on the journey so far - using a Dictaphone
• See how much clothing you can remove before you are stopped
• Clumsily grope people on the grounds you stumbled - make it clear this is not the case
• Attempt non verbal seduction
• Attempt very verbal seduction
• Put headphones in, and play loud music from a concealed source - fail to notice people's complaints as you bop along
• Swoon
• "you know, we're only a few layers of clothing away from an orgy" - followed by a wink
• Attempt to prepare a substantial meal - bring cooking equipment if possible
• Inform people, for their own safety, that you have "a condition". When they ask what, grin maniacly and say "you'll see soon enough"
• Hold a number of referendums on various contentious topics
• Attempt to start a brake dancing contest
• Clutch a stranger and say "If we crash and die, will you hold me?"
• "I just want to let everyone know, i'm no longer contagious"
• Begin humming a favourite tune, built in volume, and then explode into the chorus, complete with air guitar
• Attempt to bless people, using various holy substances if possible
• Challenge someone to a duel for invading your personal sovereign space
• "Has anyone seen my bomb? I put it down around here somewhere"
• Ask people if they know what the correct procedure for dealing with a flash flood is
• Accuse people of stealing your oxygen
• Count out loud
• Try and escape

Author's note:

I wrote this on my phone while sharing a space just large enough to fit a small horse in (or just over 2 pandas) with approximately 10 strangers on a long train journey.

One man looked over my shoulder to see what I was writing, and when he'd seen, he looked at me imploringly, as if begging me not to actually try any of these.

I gave a sinister grin in response.

Awesome Ideas

It happens to most of us.
You're in some situation; a train, a pub or suchlike, and you have an idea.
It's simple.
It's revolutionary.
But most importantly, you know you'll forget it almost immediately and your genius will be lost forever.
This happens to me a lot, but fortunately in these situations I simply reach for my phone and make a note, confident that the idea is so blindingly obvious that you'll know what it meant later on.

Anyway, here is a collection of some of the notes I've found on my phone. Some appear to be jokes, others ideas for articles, and some just startling realizations about the world.
Bear in mind I may not have been sober.

“As prime minister I would give wales independence, whether they would like it or not”

“Finally I’m king!!’

“A is for Arbiter, big alien and mean,

  B is for Battle-rifle, a killing machine”

“If someone offered you money to punch the queen, how much would it take?”

“To feel trapped in reality is both to feel that reality is not good enough, and neither are you”

“I wish I knew about regret….”

“Moo – fat cows are bad”

“Make a beer that contains an anti diuretic hormone, so it hydrates you and as such stops hangovers”

“We wanted our music to speak to people, so we included words”

“We also wanted out music to text to people, but we’re still working on that one”

“We are the chroniclers of emotions that haven’t been invented yet”

“Purpose is like a jet engine – Jet fighters and gliders are cool, while airbuses are boring”

“For a cheap alternative to drugs, don’t sleep for a few days, then go on a philosophy course and record you’re experiences retrospectively at the time, and it will look like you were tripping balls”

“I think that people count sheep because any other animal would be too hilarious.

 Failed alternatives include: midgets, velociraptors, turtles, ninja turtles and photocopiers”

“I know you’re reading this”

“God is cruel to put us in such a wonderous reaility, and then give us the power to imagine outside it”

“Religious catma – where you fuck off for most of the time and pretty much do your own thing”

“The genius inside me only works at night, so I  go to bed early so that’s he’s tired by morning and doesn’t bother me all day”

“The scariest dream I’ve ever had, is the one I’m in now”

“Kick ass idea – ALL ROBOT BAND”

“I get the feeling a robot band could play riffs that no human could achieve, but then again it might sound weird – only one way to find out”

 “Some say that philosophy is hard, others say “why?””

“My thoughts come hard and fast like when you’re looking out of a train window, and then suddenly another train passes in the other direction and you’re all like “whoa”. Then, as quickly as they arrived, they’re gone like Kaiser Söze and all you’re left with is a slight adrenaline rush and a sense of confusement and loss”

“Getting up early gives the illusion of getting more out of the day, but in reality those people are all tucked up in bed with tea by 9.00PM”

“Try everything once except incest and Russian roulette.

“If you have an itch that’s impossible to scratch, then someone up there doesn’t like you”

“Train conductor – pimp scooters – strangle tie”

“I wondered lonely as a cloud. That is bullshit – clouds are not lonely.

In fact they have been known to travel in packs and ruin parades

Clouds are the youths of the sky”

Facebook is the only place in the world where it’s socially acceptable to talk to a wall”

“I put the “r” in analogy”

“There must be a definitve guide! A way to know what to do and when! I struggle every day with uncertainty whether my decisions were, cosmically, the best.”

“I feel heavy.

Like I’m not so much passing through time as being dragged against it”

“A horse walks into a bar and the barman asks “why the long face?”

The horse replies “evolutionary selective pressures””

“Just pumped some iron – now my clothes are wrinkle free”

“I’d just like to say hi to everyone out there who likes informal greetings”

They're everywhere...

How the world changes for pretty girls

Any hot blooded male has probably noticed that when girls are around, the way you think changes dramatically. regardless of whether you know them, are likely to ever see them again or speak the same language, most guys fall prey to this warped perspective.

Here are some examples of simple scenarios, and how your thinking is changed by a pair of fluttering eyelids.

Sitting next to you on the train

Anyone Else:    "Oh shit there's a smelly probable serial killer in my personal space.

                           Dear god when will it end?"

Girl:                     "Maybe our eyes will meet and then we'll get married!"

Sending excessive smileys and use of the non-word "LOL" in texts

Anyone Else:    "You complete cretin.

                           I now probably hate you as much in real life as I do via text."

 Girl:                   "awww.

                           She clearly just wants to be friends with the whole world."

Borrowing (stealing) Clothing

Anyone Else:    "You conniving asshole!

                              I may kill your favourite pet for this"

Girl:                    " Well I never really liked that £80 hoodie anyway"

Having likes/interests that radically clash with your own

Anyone Else:    "I not only disagree with you, but your entire existence.

                           The fact that you are alive makes me believe Darwin is spinning in his grave"

Girl:                    "I  like the wolf guy in twilight"

Annoying favours

Anyone Else:      "No.

                            I have important things to do like contemplate the awesomeness of being 

                            nobody's bitch"

Girl:                     "So what time does mittens like to be sung to sleep?"

Interrupting important social activities like gaming and drinking  

Anyone Else:      "You are currently unimportant in my life.

                             Unless you're going to contribute, prepare to be ignored"

Girl:                      "Sure I've got 5 minutes "

Publish Post

An interview with Google

Google has recently been proclaimed the source of all knowledge on earth, and in a recent poll, it was voted more useful than ears. Google is surely a figure that has shaped and led many of our lives, and so I decided to try and get an interview with the net giant, to find out how it evolved from garage business to global mega giant.

Me:         Good Morning?

Google:   Kanye west

Me:         I see, so how was getting here?

Google:  Well my friend, I see your face so clearly

Me:         How are you feeling?

Google:  Thanks for having us

Me:         There’s more than one of you?

Google:  There’s more than one way to skin the revenue cat

Me:         Do you have a cat?

Google:  Do you have a cat named Kelly?

Me:         Let’s keep this interview on you

Google:  Let’s paint, exercise and interview

Me:         I’d rather not, I recovering from swine flu

Google:  I should be scared of swine flu if I live in North Carolina

Me:         Probably, I don’t really know about such things

Google:  Nikki Finke hears Chuck is a good bet to return

Me:         Me too

Google:  Cbeebies!

Me:         Are you a fan too?

Google:  Women help

Me:         Really? I thought you had no physical presence

Google:  If Daniel had succeeded in changing the past….

Me:         Then what?

Google:  Clay walker lyrics

Me:         So are there a lot of women? you are pretty famous

Google:  You know, a lot of women get pregnant on their wedding night

Me:         I found that out the hard way, thanks though

Google:  I found a similar situation with Technorati

Me:         Is that the internet based martial art?

Google:  A blend of martial arts and other forms of hand-to-hand combat

Me:         Have you ever hit someone with a computer?

Google:  Have you ever had your modem hit with my lightening?

Me:         Is that some kind of pick-up line? Because I’m not interested

Google:  I'm not actually this tall; I've got this bad habit of sitting on my wallet

Me:         So I’ve heard, does that mean the money is good?

Google:  Chuck vs. Medium, who ya got?

Me:         errrrrrrr…. Chuck?

Google:  No thanks

Me:         Hmmm

Google:  Yoga Hmmm is one of Houston's most popular yoga studios

Me:         Do you take yoga?

Google:  Same place, same anyone you take. Don't go upstairs

Me:         Why not. What’s up there?

Google:  The question is not how she got up there, but how she's going to get back down

Me:         I’m worried now, is there something you’re not telling me?

Google:  The elephant didn't get me, but I'm worried: Now Peter Rosengard is not paranoid

Me:         Aaaaahhhh!! Elephant!!! Run away lest ye be crushed!!!

At this point the interview was put on hold so that the building could be vigorously searched for any sign of elephants, but there were in fact none.

When I returned, I found the window open, and no sign of Google but a note reading:

Did you mean: lest you be crushed?

Tittilating Tipple Tales

 What Your drink says about you

As I’m sure many of you may have noticed, as you continue to advance up the ranks of the school, you become more and responsible every day. Therefore each year, you are granted access to more and more substances that make you irresponsible and reckless. It starts at Christmas suppers where the thrill of a white wine spritzer will have you running and stumbling within minutes.

Eventually by lower sixth, you get access to the marlburian and the immediate flood in the popularity of cider as you get used to the fizzy alcoholic apple juice.

Then, when you reach the top, you are allowed out into the wider world, where you may kill brain cells unattended by teachers and free of unwanted social groups. I speak of course of the pub.

However, when presented with the pub a problem of choice arises. Whereas before there was wine (which at a mere £1.99 for two bottles is cheap for a substance you can use to clean nuclear submarines), bitter (which is as the name suggest and then some), or cider (which is comparable to vintage appletizer), there is now a huge range available, and each drink says something about the drinker….

Cider

Still not used to proper drinks, cider is a nice halfway house – the drinking equivalent of bike stabilizers

Pear Cider

Still not man enough for normal cider; pear cider is sweet and refreshing

I.e. to be avoided at all costs Max Turner

Bitter

The proof of a “real man”, bitter is a more sedate and smooth experience, and provides a wonderful opportunity to support local business, as there is always a locally brewed bitter.

It also has the undeniably important quality of being cheap, a quality that many would put above pedigree, taste and even personal safety.

Lager

Lager is liquid, usually brownish, probably has a taste, and most notably alcoholic, which is really why you drink it

Real Ale

For those with a penchant for new experiences, real ale is perfect, as its homebrewed, handmade nature guarantees that no two glasses are the same

Guinness

The drink of the Irish and rugby players everywhere, and arguably the most aesthetically pleasing drink known to man, Guinness have been described as only better than treacle because of the alcohol. As with the drink of any real man, just getting the drink down your throat is more challenging than normal.

White wine

You are a girl.

Red Wine

You are either a girl, or trying desperately to get one.

Red wine is the preferred drink of the French and any self respecting artist and so having a glass handy is guaranteed to make you seem arty, cultured and creative.

Vodka

MATE

This is the drink of the social hardcore, the kings of the party. Only the very coolest are granted the privilege of smuggling this magnificent cool juice onto school grounds, as rules are for most, just a guideline

Coke

You have over indulged on one of the above, and have been subject to the consequent enforced dry spell. You will desperately chug this sugary alternative, as without alcohol, socialization suddenly seems boring in comparison

Water

Why are you even at the pub.

Go jump in a river

Smoked haddock with the White wine sauce

Close but wrong establishment

Heroin

Errrrr…..

Bleach

Evolution’s gonna hit you hard

The secret societies that are now major novels....

The Illuminati

As you may know, Dan Brown's "Angels and Demons" has recently been released in the cinema, and it sparked the idea for an article exploring some of the themes that this blockbuster follows.

For those that live in a cave, or simply can't read, angels and demons is a story of a young historian with nothing better to do than research old and possibly non-existent societies, whose name is tom hanks. after that every other character is either working for a secret society, pretending to, or trying to expose one. then it turns out that the church murdered JFK to protect their massive monopoly on the world cheese market, and that Jesus is still alive, but was mistakenly killed while pretending to be JFK.

Or something

so, in order to educate the masses as to the truth behind this mysterious society, here are some handy facts about the illuminati:

·         The first rule of the illuminati is, you do not talk about the illuminati

·         The second rule of the illuminati is; no dogs

·         At any one moment, there will always be two illuminati spies watching you

·         The pigeon is not, as many believe, a bird, but a sophisticated surveillance device designed to track the population s of entire cities

·         Chuck Norris was rejected for membership to the illuminati

·         The Manhattan project was one of the iiluminati's team building exercises

·         World War 1 was started by a game of risk played by key illuminati members

·         Area 51, or "the clubhouse" as they call it, is where the illuminati host their parties

·         The current recession is not a product of, as many believe, an irresponsible lending system, but a game of monopoly played by illuminati members

·         The Apollo moon land never happened, because the illuminati say so

·         Dr.Who is the official mascot of the illuminati

·         The illuminati still hold the original copyright on "the wheel"

·         The free masons were originally started as "the official illuminati fan club"

·         Saddam Hussein was a member, until he broke the second rule

·         The Illuminati invented coincidence as a means of covering their tracks

·         The official symbol of the illuminati exists in 5 dimensions

·         The lord of the rings is based on an illuminati scavenger hunt

·         If you say the word "illuminati", somehow, Somewhere, a member heard you

·         George W Bush is a member - he is the coffee boy

·         The "illuminati all seeing eye" that is on the dollar bill, can actually see you

·         If the illuminati wanted you dead, you'd never have been born

·         Elvis is in fact dead, not as many believe an illuminati entertainment act

·         hundreds of years ago, the illuminati experimented with genetic modification: the result - MANBEARPIG

·         Jesus was a member - think about that