Tittilating Tipple Tales

 What Your drink says about you

As I’m sure many of you may have noticed, as you continue to advance up the ranks of the school, you become more and responsible every day. Therefore each year, you are granted access to more and more substances that make you irresponsible and reckless. It starts at Christmas suppers where the thrill of a white wine spritzer will have you running and stumbling within minutes.

Eventually by lower sixth, you get access to the marlburian and the immediate flood in the popularity of cider as you get used to the fizzy alcoholic apple juice.

Then, when you reach the top, you are allowed out into the wider world, where you may kill brain cells unattended by teachers and free of unwanted social groups. I speak of course of the pub.

However, when presented with the pub a problem of choice arises. Whereas before there was wine (which at a mere £1.99 for two bottles is cheap for a substance you can use to clean nuclear submarines), bitter (which is as the name suggest and then some), or cider (which is comparable to vintage appletizer), there is now a huge range available, and each drink says something about the drinker….

Cider

Still not used to proper drinks, cider is a nice halfway house – the drinking equivalent of bike stabilizers

Pear Cider

Still not man enough for normal cider; pear cider is sweet and refreshing

I.e. to be avoided at all costs Max Turner

Bitter

The proof of a “real man”, bitter is a more sedate and smooth experience, and provides a wonderful opportunity to support local business, as there is always a locally brewed bitter.

It also has the undeniably important quality of being cheap, a quality that many would put above pedigree, taste and even personal safety.

Lager

Lager is liquid, usually brownish, probably has a taste, and most notably alcoholic, which is really why you drink it

Real Ale

For those with a penchant for new experiences, real ale is perfect, as its homebrewed, handmade nature guarantees that no two glasses are the same

Guinness

The drink of the Irish and rugby players everywhere, and arguably the most aesthetically pleasing drink known to man, Guinness have been described as only better than treacle because of the alcohol. As with the drink of any real man, just getting the drink down your throat is more challenging than normal.

White wine

You are a girl.

Red Wine

You are either a girl, or trying desperately to get one.

Red wine is the preferred drink of the French and any self respecting artist and so having a glass handy is guaranteed to make you seem arty, cultured and creative.

Vodka

MATE

This is the drink of the social hardcore, the kings of the party. Only the very coolest are granted the privilege of smuggling this magnificent cool juice onto school grounds, as rules are for most, just a guideline

Coke

You have over indulged on one of the above, and have been subject to the consequent enforced dry spell. You will desperately chug this sugary alternative, as without alcohol, socialization suddenly seems boring in comparison

Water

Why are you even at the pub.

Go jump in a river

Smoked haddock with the White wine sauce

Close but wrong establishment

Heroin

Errrrr…..

Bleach

Evolution’s gonna hit you hard