Get Rich Quick
With the recession now closing in, people are becoming more and more desperate for money, and resorting to begging, stealing and judging the X-factor. Fortunately, you need never tread that path, because here’s some handy tips on how to make money quickly and easily:
1. Win the X factor. Having established in your local karaoke bar or even your shower that you are a world class singer, simply get on the show, win and sit back as your long and successful music career takes off.
2. Sell EVEN CHEAPER car insurance. Thanks to new technology it is now possible to sell cheaper car insurance than anyone else at any given time. This is due to the Hindu based “act of god” clause which states that everything is predetermined by god and so any event is an act of, so you aren’t covered for anything
3. Lend huge amounts of money to people with terrible credit histories, then sell on the resulting un-payable dept and cash in as the harmless side effects begin to spread
4. Invent a new wonder product that is in fact an ordinary object repackaged. Examples include “instant mud – just add water” and “amazing novelty brick paperweight”
5. Create a comparison website that compares comparison websites
6. Busk with a gong
7. Find a recently demolished building and open it as a modern art exhibition
8. Sue every company that fails to warn you about even the slightest sharp edge/ hot surface/soft but slightly abrasive surface
9. Sell “ recession insurance”, then if there is a recession, make the company crash and escape with the cash
10. Go on dragon’s den claiming that you have invented a revolutionary new handgun. Then rob them.
11. Create a new wonder diet that involves eating only bees for extended periods of time.
12. Marry an unsuspecting Beatle, then bleed the poor bloke dry
13. Create a the next big brother, where contestants are locked in a building…… and left
14. Spend 14 hours straight in a tanning salon and get adopted by Madonna
15. Become a banker, and through years of exploitation, exorbitant lunches and ruthless BMW driving, slowly gain control of the economy, and then kill it entirely out of boredom and somehow profit.
16. It’s a recession- invest in cardboard boxes
17. Send your children to Libya as part of a shady oil deal
18. Invite a waning drug-addled celebrity to your house and wait for them to die. Make millions selling flowers and commemorative badges to the mourners
19. Join the TV industry and combine existing shows such as “Ross Kemp in Afghanistan” meets “skins”
20. Get a job
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