Monday 20 December 2010
Sunday 19 December 2010
Friday 17 December 2010
Movie Mashup #3
Scott Pilgrim Vs Predator
When bass player Scott Pilgrim meets the girl of his dreams, what he doesn't count on, is that he'll have to defeat all of her evil ex-boyfriends - who are bloodthirsty aliens intent on hunting humans for sport.
Romantic thriller with great cast.
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Movie Mashup #2
Dark Knight at the Museum
Single father Ben Stiller has just begun his new job at the Natural History Musuem, only to find that it has been taken over by psychopathic crime lord, the Joker.
In order to save his museum, his relationship with his son, and several hostages, Stiller must assume the identity of the historical nemesis of clowns - The Bat.
Excellent educational thriller
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Movie Mashup #1
In this touching family comedy/drama, Will smith must face adversity and a cruel world to achieve his dream of having a pet dancing penguin.
His struggle will take him to the far south pole, and he'll make some unlikely friends in the process.
A great watch for all the family
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Monday 13 December 2010
Update! - facebook button
There is now a happy little facebook button hiding around here somewhere.
But, he will get sad eventually and return to alcoholism and quite possibly domestic abuse.
Unless, that is, you click him every once and a while, to let him know that you care.
Click like - don't destroy a family
VZE7YZDYBX4X
Those were some letters.
And numbers.
But, he will get sad eventually and return to alcoholism and quite possibly domestic abuse.
Unless, that is, you click him every once and a while, to let him know that you care.
Click like - don't destroy a family
Those were some letters.
And numbers.
Sunday 12 December 2010
Thursday 9 December 2010
Things that should have been in Harry Potter
Unfortunately, I recently found my self feeding the all consuming power that is the Harry Potter franchise, by going to watch the latest Harry potter film: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
As I watched, there was one point that nagged me, other than the bad acting, the fact the Daniel Radcliffe is so old for the part that he's seriously thinking about his pension, and the fact that most of the characters completely forget that they have the ability to use magic most of the time, and that was their reluctance to use magic for anything useful or cool.
If magic was a part of my world, it would be a different story, and to illustrate this, here are 12 ideas that I believe should be in the Harry Potter universe:
1) Magic Mobile Phones
It strikes me that phones, or even a magical equivalent would be incredibly useful in the Harry Potter universe. There is a scene when Harry sticks his face in a fire to talk to someone, when a simple text would have sufficed.
This would eliminate the, in my opinion, frankly cruel practise of making owls fly the length and breadth of the country in order to deliver your Christmas cards.
That said, owls are pretty pimpin.
2) Magic Drugs
With the sort of chemical activity that we're told occurs regularly at Hogwarts, why isn't there a thriving drug culture?
Not only does it appear to be relatively easy to steal magical ingredients, but you'd assume that with potions to do most things, there would be some wizards who'd dream up incredible highs, which would not only be better than normal drugs, but hopefully not kill you so much either.
3) Promiscuity
When you have a bunch of teenagers, whose hormones are presumably reverberating around them like so many fireworks in a small shed, locked in together in a large building, I find it hard to believe that a quick snog under some mistletoe in a magic room is all that happens.
It strikes me that Hogwarts should probably invest in a substantial sexual health clinic, as I shudder to think what magic STDs are like.
Presuming that there is alcohol available in the magic community, it seems the next obvious thing that wizards should be getting drunk and doing stupid things magically.
Surely wizards would be waking up to find that they have no money, no memory, the penis you drew on your friend has become a real penis, and that your car now has feet.
5) Cheap methods of broom-less flight:
1. Wear shoes
2. Use levitation spell on shoes
3. FLY!!
6) The Internet!
Surely having a massive source of information like the internet would appeal to the magical community, and make life easier for everyone.
Hermione seems to spend an inordinate amount of time in the library, where as everyone else would simply Google it.
Want to know what a horcrux is? - Wikileaks
Want to find out a certain spell? - Magipedia ©
Surely the marauder's map would be handy as an iphone app?
Surely blogs could replace pensieves?
7) Silenced Wand
As pictured above, the wand is fitted with a suppressor to remove that pesky whoosh sound whenever you attempt to so much as magically wipe your own nose, and also reduces the massive light flash.
This enables stealth take-downs and eliminates the need to leap blindly into rooms full of bad people, and let luck do the rest.
I picture a black-ops style operation in which highly trained wizard teams can stealthily take out targets, without long, special effects heavy fights, which seem to consist of playing tennis using fire.
8) Firearms
I've been saying this for a long time, but surely guns would be highly effective against even really good wizards.
I find it hard to believe that say, Dumbledore could successfully block a supersonic .50 cal round. In fact I'd say he'd have no idea what hit him.
While the problem that magic is arguably more powerful than guns does hold water, as presumably spells are bulletproof, then a simple solution still suggests itself:
Magic Guns – you can’t argue with that
9) The Hand-bag house
In the latest instalment of the book, Hermione goes all Mary Poppins, and reveals that her handbag can house a small library as well as loads of other useful stuff.
Other than the obvious problems of it weighing a ton, and the fact that the bag's opening is too small to fit a lot of things through, it strikes me as the obvious thing to simply get inside it.
Presumably you could create your wizard crib in there and do the whole “we’re in hiding” thing, in the lost property of a starbucks somewhere.
10) Anyone at all who knows even basic Latin
Surely there must have been someone somewhere in the harry potter world who thought to themselves “wait a minute, the spell for fire, is suspiciously similar to the Latin word for fire”. What I am forced to conclude from this, is that the Romans were all wizards, and this has been hushed up, and is now some sort of joke at the expense of non-wizards. They must hang around the Colosseum smirking and saying to themselves “these guys think that they built this with their hands!! – gullible fools”
This also goes a little way to explaining why they wear robes and speak Latin in the Catholic Church.
11) X-ray specs
These would definitely have been invented, probably by Fred and George, as a way to let people see through Hermione’s robes.
It could be done.
And it so would have been.
12) A sense of duty to actually help the world?
There are a number of things like pollution, poverty and AIDS, which I get the feeling that a magic wand could probably go a long way towards helping with.
Now, I don’t mean to sound like a goddamn hippy here, but if a hungry Ethiopian saw a wizard pulling roast chicken out of the air, he’d start trying to eat his own limbs.
Are wizards completely ignorant, or are they just selfish dicks?
Are wizards completely ignorant, or are they just selfish dicks?
Wednesday 8 December 2010
Tuesday 7 December 2010
Monday 6 December 2010
Friday 3 December 2010
How to make the atmosphere of a small space, much worse
We've all been in small, crowded places with strangers, such as crowded trains, tubes, buses and lifts.
As they are not only annoying, but also boring, here are some ways to make what ever journey you're undertaking more interesting:
As they are not only annoying, but also boring, here are some ways to make what ever journey you're undertaking more interesting:
- Complain loudly about how crowded it is in here - be sure to ask people if they've noticed
- Pass out sexual health leaflets
- See how much skin on skin contact you can achieve
- Fart loudly - stare down anyone who looks at you
- Attempt a series of stretches on the grounds that you can get cramp from standing still for too long
- Fail to discreetly tell other passengers that you suspect another passenger hasn't showered in a while
- Loudly state: "well this is awkward"
- Chose one person - stare at them
- Release bees - lots of bees
- (lifts only) As the lift begins to rise, put one hand in the air like superman and exclaim "to the skies!"
- See how many times you can revolve on the spot before the journey ends
- Record all your thoughts on the journey so far - using a Dictaphone
- See how much clothing you can remove before you are stopped
- Clumsily grope people on the grounds you stumbled - make it clear this is not the case
- Attempt non verbal seduction
- Attempt very verbal seduction
- Put headphones in, and play loud music from a concealed source - fail to notice people's complaints as you bop along
- Swoon
- "you know, we're only a few layers of clothing away from an orgy" - followed by a wink
- Attempt to prepare a substantial meal - bring cooking equipment if possible
- Inform people, for their own safety, that you have "a condition". When they ask what, grin maniacly and say "you'll see soon enough"
- Hold a number of referendums on various contentious topics
- Attempt to start a brake dancing contest
- Clutch a stranger and say "If we crash and die, will you hold me?"
- "I just want to let everyone know, i'm no longer contagious"
- Begin humming a favourite tune, built in volume, and then explode into the chorus, complete with air guitar
- Attempt to bless people, using various holy substances if possible
- Challenge someone to a duel for invading your personal sovereign space
- "Has anyone seen my bomb? I put it down around here somewhere"
- Ask people if they know what the correct procedure for dealing with a flash flood is
- Accuse people of stealing your oxygen
- Count out loud
- Try and escape
Author's note:
I wrote this on my phone while sharing a space just large enough to fit a small horse in (or just over 2 pandas) with approximately 10 strangers on a long train journey.
One man looked over my shoulder to see what I was writing, and when he'd seen, he looked at me imploringly, as if begging me not to actually try any of these.
I gave a sinister grin in response.
Monday 29 November 2010
Sunday 28 November 2010
Saturday 27 November 2010
Wednesday 24 November 2010
Awesome Ideas
It happens to most of us.
You're in some situation; a train, a pub or suchlike, and you have an idea.
It's simple.
It's revolutionary.
But most importantly, you know you'll forget it almost immediately and your genius will be lost forever.
This happens to me a lot, but fortunately in these situations I simply reach for my phone and make a note, confident that the idea is so blindingly obvious that you'll know what it meant later on.
Anyway, here is a collection of some of the notes I've found on my phone. Some appear to be jokes, others ideas for articles, and some just startling realizations about the world.
Bear in mind I may not have been sober.
You're in some situation; a train, a pub or suchlike, and you have an idea.
It's simple.
It's revolutionary.
But most importantly, you know you'll forget it almost immediately and your genius will be lost forever.
This happens to me a lot, but fortunately in these situations I simply reach for my phone and make a note, confident that the idea is so blindingly obvious that you'll know what it meant later on.
Anyway, here is a collection of some of the notes I've found on my phone. Some appear to be jokes, others ideas for articles, and some just startling realizations about the world.
Bear in mind I may not have been sober.
“As prime minister I would give wales independence, whether they would like it or not”
“Finally I’m king!!’
“A is for Arbiter, big alien and mean,
B is for Battle-rifle, a killing machine”
“If someone offered you money to punch the queen, how much would it take?”
“To feel trapped in reality is both to feel that reality is not good enough, and neither are you”
“I wish I knew about regret….”
“Moo – fat cows are bad”
“Make a beer that contains an anti diuretic hormone, so it hydrates you and as such stops hangovers”
“We wanted our music to speak to people, so we included words”
“We also wanted out music to text to people, but we’re still working on that one”
“We are the chroniclers of emotions that haven’t been invented yet”
“Purpose is like a jet engine – Jet fighters and gliders are cool, while airbuses are boring”
“For a cheap alternative to drugs, don’t sleep for a few days, then go on a philosophy course and record you’re experiences retrospectively at the time, and it will look like you were tripping balls”
“I think that people count sheep because any other animal would be too hilarious.
Failed alternatives include: midgets, velociraptors, turtles, ninja turtles and photocopiers”
“I know you’re reading this”
“God is cruel to put us in such a wonderous reaility, and then give us the power to imagine outside it”
“Religious catma – where you fuck off for most of the time and pretty much do your own thing”
“The genius inside me only works at night, so I go to bed early so that’s he’s tired by morning and doesn’t bother me all day”
“The scariest dream I’ve ever had, is the one I’m in now”
“Kick ass idea – ALL ROBOT BAND”
“I get the feeling a robot band could play riffs that no human could achieve, but then again it might sound weird – only one way to find out”
“Some say that philosophy is hard, others say “why?””
“My thoughts come hard and fast like when you’re looking out of a train window, and then suddenly another train passes in the other direction and you’re all like “whoa”. Then, as quickly as they arrived, they’re gone like Kaiser Söze and all you’re left with is a slight adrenaline rush and a sense of confusement and loss”
“Getting up early gives the illusion of getting more out of the day, but in reality those people are all tucked up in bed with tea by 9.00PM”
“Try everything once except incest and Russian roulette.
“If you have an itch that’s impossible to scratch, then someone up there doesn’t like you”
“Train conductor – pimp scooters – strangle tie”
“I wondered lonely as a cloud. That is bullshit – clouds are not lonely.
In fact they have been known to travel in packs and ruin parades
Clouds are the youths of the sky”
Facebook is the only place in the world where it’s socially acceptable to talk to a wall”
“I put the “r” in analogy”
“There must be a definitve guide! A way to know what to do and when! I struggle every day with uncertainty whether my decisions were, cosmically, the best.”
“I feel heavy.
Like I’m not so much passing through time as being dragged against it”
“A horse walks into a bar and the barman asks “why the long face?”
The horse replies “evolutionary selective pressures””
“Just pumped some iron – now my clothes are wrinkle free”
“I’d just like to say hi to everyone out there who likes informal greetings”
Sunday 21 November 2010
Monday 15 November 2010
Monday 8 November 2010
Thursday 4 November 2010
They're everywhere...
How the world changes for pretty girls
Any hot blooded male has probably noticed that when girls are around, the way you think changes dramatically. regardless of whether you know them, are likely to ever see them again or speak the same language, most guys fall prey to this warped perspective.
Here are some examples of simple scenarios, and how your thinking is changed by a pair of fluttering eyelids.
Sitting next to you on the train
Dear god when will it end?"
Sending excessive smileys and use of the non-word "LOL" in texts
I now probably hate you as much in real life as I do via text."
She clearly just wants to be friends with the whole world."
Anyone Else: "You conniving asshole!
I may kill your favourite pet for this"
Anyone Else: "I not only disagree with you, but your entire existence.
The fact that you are alive makes me believe Darwin is spinning in his grave"
Annoying favours
I have important things to do like contemplate the awesomeness of being
nobody's bitch"
Anyone Else: "You are currently unimportant in my life.
Unless you're going to contribute, prepare to be ignored"
Tuesday 2 November 2010
Quick thought
A thought for the day:
Why do people always look up when there is some sort of intercom announcement in a train station/airport?
Why do people always look up when there is some sort of intercom announcement in a train station/airport?
Sunday 31 October 2010
Thursday 21 October 2010
An interview with Google
Google has recently been proclaimed the source of all knowledge on earth, and in a recent poll, it was voted more useful than ears. Google is surely a figure that has shaped and led many of our lives, and so I decided to try and get an interview with the net giant, to find out how it evolved from garage business to global mega giant.
Me: Good Morning?
Google: Kanye west
Me: I see, so how was getting here?
Google: Well my friend, I see your face so clearly
Me: How are you feeling?
Google: Thanks for having us
Me: There’s more than one of you?
Google: There’s more than one way to skin the revenue cat
Me: Do you have a cat?
Google: Do you have a cat named Kelly?
Me: Let’s keep this interview on you
Google: Let’s paint, exercise and interview
Me: I’d rather not, I recovering from swine flu
Google: I should be scared of swine flu if I live in North Carolina
Me: Probably, I don’t really know about such things
Me: Me too
Google: Cbeebies!
Me: Are you a fan too?
Google: Women help
Me: Really? I thought you had no physical presence
Google: If Daniel had succeeded in changing the past….
Me: Then what?
Google: Clay walker lyrics
Me: So are there a lot of women? you are pretty famous
Google: You know, a lot of women get pregnant on their wedding night
Me: I found that out the hard way, thanks though
Google: I found a similar situation with Technorati
Me: Is that the internet based martial art?
Google: A blend of martial arts and other forms of hand-to-hand combat
Me: Have you ever hit someone with a computer?
Google: Have you ever had your modem hit with my lightening?
Me: Is that some kind of pick-up line? Because I’m not interested
Google: I'm not actually this tall; I've got this bad habit of sitting on my wallet
Me: So I’ve heard, does that mean the money is good?
Google: Chuck vs. Medium, who ya got?
Me: errrrrrrr…. Chuck?
Google: No thanks
Me: Hmmm
Google: Yoga Hmmm is one of Houston's most popular yoga studios
Me: Do you take yoga?
Google: Same place, same anyone you take. Don't go upstairs
Me: Why not. What’s up there?
Google: The question is not how she got up there, but how she's going to get back down
Me: I’m worried now, is there something you’re not telling me?
Google: The elephant didn't get me, but I'm worried: Now Peter Rosengard is not paranoid
Me: Aaaaahhhh!! Elephant!!! Run away lest ye be crushed!!!
At this point the interview was put on hold so that the building could be vigorously searched for any sign of elephants, but there were in fact none.
When I returned, I found the window open, and no sign of Google but a note reading:
Did you mean: lest you be crushed?
Tittilating Tipple Tales
What Your drink says about you
As I’m sure many of you may have noticed, as you continue to advance up the ranks of the school, you become more and responsible every day. Therefore each year, you are granted access to more and more substances that make you irresponsible and reckless. It starts at Christmas suppers where the thrill of a white wine spritzer will have you running and stumbling within minutes.
Eventually by lower sixth, you get access to the marlburian and the immediate flood in the popularity of cider as you get used to the fizzy alcoholic apple juice.
Then, when you reach the top, you are allowed out into the wider world, where you may kill brain cells unattended by teachers and free of unwanted social groups. I speak of course of the pub.
However, when presented with the pub a problem of choice arises. Whereas before there was wine (which at a mere £1.99 for two bottles is cheap for a substance you can use to clean nuclear submarines), bitter (which is as the name suggest and then some), or cider (which is comparable to vintage appletizer), there is now a huge range available, and each drink says something about the drinker….
Cider
Still not used to proper drinks, cider is a nice halfway house – the drinking equivalent of bike stabilizers
Pear Cider
Still not man enough for normal cider; pear cider is sweet and refreshing
I.e. to be avoided at all costs Max Turner
Bitter
The proof of a “real man”, bitter is a more sedate and smooth experience, and provides a wonderful opportunity to support local business, as there is always a locally brewed bitter.
It also has the undeniably important quality of being cheap, a quality that many would put above pedigree, taste and even personal safety.
Lager
Lager is liquid, usually brownish, probably has a taste, and most notably alcoholic, which is really why you drink it
Real Ale
For those with a penchant for new experiences, real ale is perfect, as its homebrewed, handmade nature guarantees that no two glasses are the same
Guinness
The drink of the Irish and rugby players everywhere, and arguably the most aesthetically pleasing drink known to man, Guinness have been described as only better than treacle because of the alcohol. As with the drink of any real man, just getting the drink down your throat is more challenging than normal.
White wine
You are a girl.
Red Wine
You are either a girl, or trying desperately to get one.
Red wine is the preferred drink of the French and any self respecting artist and so having a glass handy is guaranteed to make you seem arty, cultured and creative.
Vodka
MATE
This is the drink of the social hardcore, the kings of the party. Only the very coolest are granted the privilege of smuggling this magnificent cool juice onto school grounds, as rules are for most, just a guideline
Coke
You have over indulged on one of the above, and have been subject to the consequent enforced dry spell. You will desperately chug this sugary alternative, as without alcohol, socialization suddenly seems boring in comparison
Water
Why are you even at the pub.
Go jump in a river
Smoked haddock with the White wine sauce
Close but wrong establishment
Heroin
Errrrr…..
Bleach
Evolution’s gonna hit you hard
The secret societies that are now major novels....
The Illuminati
As you may know, Dan Brown's "Angels and Demons" has recently been released in the cinema, and it sparked the idea for an article exploring some of the themes that this blockbuster follows.
For those that live in a cave, or simply can't read, angels and demons is a story of a young historian with nothing better to do than research old and possibly non-existent societies, whose name is tom hanks. after that every other character is either working for a secret society, pretending to, or trying to expose one. then it turns out that the church murdered JFK to protect their massive monopoly on the world cheese market, and that Jesus is still alive, but was mistakenly killed while pretending to be JFK.
Or something
so, in order to educate the masses as to the truth behind this mysterious society, here are some handy facts about the illuminati:
· The first rule of the illuminati is, you do not talk about the illuminati
· The second rule of the illuminati is; no dogs
· At any one moment, there will always be two illuminati spies watching you
· The pigeon is not, as many believe, a bird, but a sophisticated surveillance device designed to track the population s of entire cities
· Chuck Norris was rejected for membership to the illuminati
· The Manhattan project was one of the iiluminati's team building exercises
· World War 1 was started by a game of risk played by key illuminati members
· Area 51, or "the clubhouse" as they call it, is where the illuminati host their parties
· The current recession is not a product of, as many believe, an irresponsible lending system, but a game of monopoly played by illuminati members
· The Apollo moon land never happened, because the illuminati say so
· Dr.Who is the official mascot of the illuminati
· The illuminati still hold the original copyright on "the wheel"
· The free masons were originally started as "the official illuminati fan club"
· Saddam Hussein was a member, until he broke the second rule
· The Illuminati invented coincidence as a means of covering their tracks
· The official symbol of the illuminati exists in 5 dimensions
· The lord of the rings is based on an illuminati scavenger hunt
· If you say the word "illuminati", somehow, Somewhere, a member heard you
· George W Bush is a member - he is the coffee boy
· The "illuminati all seeing eye" that is on the dollar bill, can actually see you
· If the illuminati wanted you dead, you'd never have been born
· Elvis is in fact dead, not as many believe an illuminati entertainment act
· hundreds of years ago, the illuminati experimented with genetic modification: the result - MANBEARPIG
· Jesus was a member - think about that
Your guide to the world of Monies
Get Rich Quick
With the recession now closing in, people are becoming more and more desperate for money, and resorting to begging, stealing and judging the X-factor. Fortunately, you need never tread that path, because here’s some handy tips on how to make money quickly and easily:
1. Win the X factor. Having established in your local karaoke bar or even your shower that you are a world class singer, simply get on the show, win and sit back as your long and successful music career takes off.
2. Sell EVEN CHEAPER car insurance. Thanks to new technology it is now possible to sell cheaper car insurance than anyone else at any given time. This is due to the Hindu based “act of god” clause which states that everything is predetermined by god and so any event is an act of, so you aren’t covered for anything
3. Lend huge amounts of money to people with terrible credit histories, then sell on the resulting un-payable dept and cash in as the harmless side effects begin to spread
4. Invent a new wonder product that is in fact an ordinary object repackaged. Examples include “instant mud – just add water” and “amazing novelty brick paperweight”
5. Create a comparison website that compares comparison websites
6. Busk with a gong
7. Find a recently demolished building and open it as a modern art exhibition
8. Sue every company that fails to warn you about even the slightest sharp edge/ hot surface/soft but slightly abrasive surface
9. Sell “ recession insurance”, then if there is a recession, make the company crash and escape with the cash
10. Go on dragon’s den claiming that you have invented a revolutionary new handgun. Then rob them.
11. Create a new wonder diet that involves eating only bees for extended periods of time.
12. Marry an unsuspecting Beatle, then bleed the poor bloke dry
13. Create a the next big brother, where contestants are locked in a building…… and left
14. Spend 14 hours straight in a tanning salon and get adopted by Madonna
15. Become a banker, and through years of exploitation, exorbitant lunches and ruthless BMW driving, slowly gain control of the economy, and then kill it entirely out of boredom and somehow profit.
16. It’s a recession- invest in cardboard boxes
17. Send your children to Libya as part of a shady oil deal
18. Invite a waning drug-addled celebrity to your house and wait for them to die. Make millions selling flowers and commemorative badges to the mourners
19. Join the TV industry and combine existing shows such as “Ross Kemp in Afghanistan” meets “skins”
20. Get a job
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