Awesome Ideas

It happens to most of us.
You're in some situation; a train, a pub or suchlike, and you have an idea.
It's simple.
It's revolutionary.
But most importantly, you know you'll forget it almost immediately and your genius will be lost forever.
This happens to me a lot, but fortunately in these situations I simply reach for my phone and make a note, confident that the idea is so blindingly obvious that you'll know what it meant later on.

Anyway, here is a collection of some of the notes I've found on my phone. Some appear to be jokes, others ideas for articles, and some just startling realizations about the world.
Bear in mind I may not have been sober.

“As prime minister I would give wales independence, whether they would like it or not”

“Finally I’m king!!’

“A is for Arbiter, big alien and mean,

  B is for Battle-rifle, a killing machine”

“If someone offered you money to punch the queen, how much would it take?”

“To feel trapped in reality is both to feel that reality is not good enough, and neither are you”

“I wish I knew about regret….”

“Moo – fat cows are bad”

“Make a beer that contains an anti diuretic hormone, so it hydrates you and as such stops hangovers”

“We wanted our music to speak to people, so we included words”

“We also wanted out music to text to people, but we’re still working on that one”

“We are the chroniclers of emotions that haven’t been invented yet”

“Purpose is like a jet engine – Jet fighters and gliders are cool, while airbuses are boring”

“For a cheap alternative to drugs, don’t sleep for a few days, then go on a philosophy course and record you’re experiences retrospectively at the time, and it will look like you were tripping balls”

“I think that people count sheep because any other animal would be too hilarious.

 Failed alternatives include: midgets, velociraptors, turtles, ninja turtles and photocopiers”

“I know you’re reading this”

“God is cruel to put us in such a wonderous reaility, and then give us the power to imagine outside it”

“Religious catma – where you fuck off for most of the time and pretty much do your own thing”

“The genius inside me only works at night, so I  go to bed early so that’s he’s tired by morning and doesn’t bother me all day”

“The scariest dream I’ve ever had, is the one I’m in now”

“Kick ass idea – ALL ROBOT BAND”

“I get the feeling a robot band could play riffs that no human could achieve, but then again it might sound weird – only one way to find out”

 “Some say that philosophy is hard, others say “why?””

“My thoughts come hard and fast like when you’re looking out of a train window, and then suddenly another train passes in the other direction and you’re all like “whoa”. Then, as quickly as they arrived, they’re gone like Kaiser Söze and all you’re left with is a slight adrenaline rush and a sense of confusement and loss”

“Getting up early gives the illusion of getting more out of the day, but in reality those people are all tucked up in bed with tea by 9.00PM”

“Try everything once except incest and Russian roulette.

“If you have an itch that’s impossible to scratch, then someone up there doesn’t like you”

“Train conductor – pimp scooters – strangle tie”

“I wondered lonely as a cloud. That is bullshit – clouds are not lonely.

In fact they have been known to travel in packs and ruin parades

Clouds are the youths of the sky”

Facebook is the only place in the world where it’s socially acceptable to talk to a wall”

“I put the “r” in analogy”

“There must be a definitve guide! A way to know what to do and when! I struggle every day with uncertainty whether my decisions were, cosmically, the best.”

“I feel heavy.

Like I’m not so much passing through time as being dragged against it”

“A horse walks into a bar and the barman asks “why the long face?”

The horse replies “evolutionary selective pressures””

“Just pumped some iron – now my clothes are wrinkle free”

“I’d just like to say hi to everyone out there who likes informal greetings”