So damn happy

Today i saw this.....
I nearly cried with joy.

An interview with Google

Google has recently been proclaimed the source of all knowledge on earth, and in a recent poll, it was voted more useful than ears. Google is surely a figure that has shaped and led many of our lives, and so I decided to try and get an interview with the net giant, to find out how it evolved from garage business to global mega giant.

Me:         Good Morning?

Google:   Kanye west

Me:         I see, so how was getting here?

Google:  Well my friend, I see your face so clearly

Me:         How are you feeling?

Google:  Thanks for having us

Me:         There’s more than one of you?

Google:  There’s more than one way to skin the revenue cat

Me:         Do you have a cat?

Google:  Do you have a cat named Kelly?

Me:         Let’s keep this interview on you

Google:  Let’s paint, exercise and interview

Me:         I’d rather not, I recovering from swine flu

Google:  I should be scared of swine flu if I live in North Carolina

Me:         Probably, I don’t really know about such things

Google:  Nikki Finke hears Chuck is a good bet to return

Me:         Me too

Google:  Cbeebies!

Me:         Are you a fan too?

Google:  Women help

Me:         Really? I thought you had no physical presence

Google:  If Daniel had succeeded in changing the past….

Me:         Then what?

Google:  Clay walker lyrics

Me:         So are there a lot of women? you are pretty famous

Google:  You know, a lot of women get pregnant on their wedding night

Me:         I found that out the hard way, thanks though

Google:  I found a similar situation with Technorati

Me:         Is that the internet based martial art?

Google:  A blend of martial arts and other forms of hand-to-hand combat

Me:         Have you ever hit someone with a computer?

Google:  Have you ever had your modem hit with my lightening?

Me:         Is that some kind of pick-up line? Because I’m not interested

Google:  I'm not actually this tall; I've got this bad habit of sitting on my wallet

Me:         So I’ve heard, does that mean the money is good?

Google:  Chuck vs. Medium, who ya got?

Me:         errrrrrrr…. Chuck?

Google:  No thanks

Me:         Hmmm

Google:  Yoga Hmmm is one of Houston's most popular yoga studios

Me:         Do you take yoga?

Google:  Same place, same anyone you take. Don't go upstairs

Me:         Why not. What’s up there?

Google:  The question is not how she got up there, but how she's going to get back down

Me:         I’m worried now, is there something you’re not telling me?

Google:  The elephant didn't get me, but I'm worried: Now Peter Rosengard is not paranoid

Me:         Aaaaahhhh!! Elephant!!! Run away lest ye be crushed!!!

At this point the interview was put on hold so that the building could be vigorously searched for any sign of elephants, but there were in fact none.

When I returned, I found the window open, and no sign of Google but a note reading:

Did you mean: lest you be crushed?

Tittilating Tipple Tales

 What Your drink says about you

As I’m sure many of you may have noticed, as you continue to advance up the ranks of the school, you become more and responsible every day. Therefore each year, you are granted access to more and more substances that make you irresponsible and reckless. It starts at Christmas suppers where the thrill of a white wine spritzer will have you running and stumbling within minutes.

Eventually by lower sixth, you get access to the marlburian and the immediate flood in the popularity of cider as you get used to the fizzy alcoholic apple juice.

Then, when you reach the top, you are allowed out into the wider world, where you may kill brain cells unattended by teachers and free of unwanted social groups. I speak of course of the pub.

However, when presented with the pub a problem of choice arises. Whereas before there was wine (which at a mere £1.99 for two bottles is cheap for a substance you can use to clean nuclear submarines), bitter (which is as the name suggest and then some), or cider (which is comparable to vintage appletizer), there is now a huge range available, and each drink says something about the drinker….

Cider

Still not used to proper drinks, cider is a nice halfway house – the drinking equivalent of bike stabilizers

Pear Cider

Still not man enough for normal cider; pear cider is sweet and refreshing

I.e. to be avoided at all costs Max Turner

Bitter

The proof of a “real man”, bitter is a more sedate and smooth experience, and provides a wonderful opportunity to support local business, as there is always a locally brewed bitter.

It also has the undeniably important quality of being cheap, a quality that many would put above pedigree, taste and even personal safety.

Lager

Lager is liquid, usually brownish, probably has a taste, and most notably alcoholic, which is really why you drink it

Real Ale

For those with a penchant for new experiences, real ale is perfect, as its homebrewed, handmade nature guarantees that no two glasses are the same

Guinness

The drink of the Irish and rugby players everywhere, and arguably the most aesthetically pleasing drink known to man, Guinness have been described as only better than treacle because of the alcohol. As with the drink of any real man, just getting the drink down your throat is more challenging than normal.

White wine

You are a girl.

Red Wine

You are either a girl, or trying desperately to get one.

Red wine is the preferred drink of the French and any self respecting artist and so having a glass handy is guaranteed to make you seem arty, cultured and creative.

Vodka

MATE

This is the drink of the social hardcore, the kings of the party. Only the very coolest are granted the privilege of smuggling this magnificent cool juice onto school grounds, as rules are for most, just a guideline

Coke

You have over indulged on one of the above, and have been subject to the consequent enforced dry spell. You will desperately chug this sugary alternative, as without alcohol, socialization suddenly seems boring in comparison

Water

Why are you even at the pub.

Go jump in a river

Smoked haddock with the White wine sauce

Close but wrong establishment

Heroin

Errrrr…..

Bleach

Evolution’s gonna hit you hard

The secret societies that are now major novels....

The Illuminati

As you may know, Dan Brown's "Angels and Demons" has recently been released in the cinema, and it sparked the idea for an article exploring some of the themes that this blockbuster follows.

For those that live in a cave, or simply can't read, angels and demons is a story of a young historian with nothing better to do than research old and possibly non-existent societies, whose name is tom hanks. after that every other character is either working for a secret society, pretending to, or trying to expose one. then it turns out that the church murdered JFK to protect their massive monopoly on the world cheese market, and that Jesus is still alive, but was mistakenly killed while pretending to be JFK.

Or something

so, in order to educate the masses as to the truth behind this mysterious society, here are some handy facts about the illuminati:

·         The first rule of the illuminati is, you do not talk about the illuminati

·         The second rule of the illuminati is; no dogs

·         At any one moment, there will always be two illuminati spies watching you

·         The pigeon is not, as many believe, a bird, but a sophisticated surveillance device designed to track the population s of entire cities

·         Chuck Norris was rejected for membership to the illuminati

·         The Manhattan project was one of the iiluminati's team building exercises

·         World War 1 was started by a game of risk played by key illuminati members

·         Area 51, or "the clubhouse" as they call it, is where the illuminati host their parties

·         The current recession is not a product of, as many believe, an irresponsible lending system, but a game of monopoly played by illuminati members

·         The Apollo moon land never happened, because the illuminati say so

·         Dr.Who is the official mascot of the illuminati

·         The illuminati still hold the original copyright on "the wheel"

·         The free masons were originally started as "the official illuminati fan club"

·         Saddam Hussein was a member, until he broke the second rule

·         The Illuminati invented coincidence as a means of covering their tracks

·         The official symbol of the illuminati exists in 5 dimensions

·         The lord of the rings is based on an illuminati scavenger hunt

·         If you say the word "illuminati", somehow, Somewhere, a member heard you

·         George W Bush is a member - he is the coffee boy

·         The "illuminati all seeing eye" that is on the dollar bill, can actually see you

·         If the illuminati wanted you dead, you'd never have been born

·         Elvis is in fact dead, not as many believe an illuminati entertainment act

·         hundreds of years ago, the illuminati experimented with genetic modification: the result - MANBEARPIG

·         Jesus was a member - think about that

Your guide to the world of Monies

Get Rich Quick

With the recession now closing in, people are becoming more and more desperate for money, and resorting to begging, stealing and judging the X-factor. Fortunately, you need never tread that path, because here’s some handy tips on how to make money quickly and easily:

1.       Win the X factor. Having established in your local karaoke bar or even your shower that you are a world class singer, simply get on the show, win and sit back as your long and successful music career takes off.

2.       Sell EVEN CHEAPER car insurance. Thanks to new technology it is now possible to sell cheaper car insurance than anyone else at any given time. This is due to the Hindu based “act of god” clause which states that everything is predetermined by god and so any event is an act of, so you aren’t covered for anything

3.       Lend huge amounts of money to people with terrible credit histories, then sell on the resulting un-payable dept and cash in as the harmless side effects begin to spread

4.       Invent a new wonder product that is in fact an ordinary object repackaged. Examples include “instant mud – just add water” and “amazing novelty brick paperweight”

5.       Create a comparison website that compares comparison websites

6.       Busk with a gong

7.       Find a recently demolished building and open it as a modern art exhibition

8.       Sue every company that fails to warn you about even the slightest sharp edge/ hot surface/soft but slightly abrasive surface

9.       Sell “ recession insurance”, then if there is a recession, make the company crash and escape with the cash

10.   Go on dragon’s den claiming that you have invented a revolutionary new handgun. Then rob them.

11.   Create a new wonder diet that involves eating only bees for extended periods of time.

12.   Marry an unsuspecting Beatle, then bleed the poor bloke dry

13.   Create a the next big brother, where contestants are locked in a building…… and left

14.   Spend 14 hours straight in a tanning salon and get adopted by Madonna

15.   Become a banker, and through years of exploitation, exorbitant lunches and ruthless BMW driving, slowly gain control of the economy, and then kill it entirely out of boredom and somehow profit.

16.   It’s a recession- invest in cardboard boxes

17.   Send your children to Libya as part of a shady oil deal

18.   Invite a waning drug-addled celebrity to your house and wait for them to die. Make millions selling flowers and commemorative badges to the mourners

19.   Join the TV industry and combine existing shows such as “Ross Kemp in Afghanistan” meets “skins”

20.   Get a job