Movie Mashup #5

Everyday problems

Everyone has problems.

Personally, I have just over 98 problems, some of which include: a fear of screaming, a blood feud with Santa and a stalker that turned out to be my own alter ego.

Anyway, being the kind soul that I am, I have decided to help solve a few everyday problems for you; the readers (both of you).

My dream Job

I hate dealing with my boss

My solution is long term unemployment. This particular technique has helped me get over a particularly nasty boss I had around a year ago. He  was always going on about something, saying those typical boss things like ”move that over there” and “casual Friday isn’t an excuse for inciting racial hatred” or “you’re not allowed to keep pythons in my office”

He was a real slave driver, or that was what it said in the police report I filed claiming he was an underground slave trader.

Anyway the whole experience traumatized me so much I’ve been forced to become a jobless unwashed alcoholic jabbering layabout – or “student” as they’re called these days

I hate dealing with my bass

The bass can be irritable fish at the best of times, so constant care is needed. Try to avoid being seen with other fish, as this will only lead to a nasty smelling slap

The commute is so depressing

Have you thought about changing your method of transport?

The Queen of England used to complain constantly about her commute from Windsor Castle to Buckingham Palace, saying that it had to many silly safety regulations which made it boring (in fact, the royal family have never been fans of seatbelts).

The queen now gets around in the chariot that’s pulled by swans and flies a majestic banner that reads “because I CAN!!!” and she is much happier now.

My country is bankrupt after years of lazy tax collection and high level corruption

HA

Feel like criticizing our cars and our food now do you?

I’m afraid that people don’t listen to me

Have you tried replacing the carburettor?

Hangovers

These are one of the greatest problems faced the modern man, and one that many have tried and failed to find a solution for. I personally have a method, though it cannot fully numb the pain of mornings, as only death’s sweet embrace can do that.

1) Get a large plastic jug, like the kind you may make a smoothie in, or trap a tarantula

2)add  the following:

                2 eggs

                soy suace

                Ice

                turkey extract

                water vapour

An Artist's impression of the cruise ship captain

                the tears of a child

                some compressed marmite

3) stir with a fork while muttering satanic oaths

4)throw it a someone - laughing at them usually helps my hangovers

Driving this cruise ship is boring

Well I’m sure that one game of angry birds can’t hurt

 My car keeps making mooing noises

That is not a car, that is a cow, and you are most likely hurting it. Return it at once to a field and yourself to a hospital.

Also remove any items you may have placed in the "boot".

I’m always losing things

Steal someone else's things

It is a well known fact that soon scientists will be able to bestow life upon inanimate objects, much in the manner of Disney films, and when that day comes, objects will simply be trained to follow you around like diminutive emotionless slaves. Then obviously subjugation will lead to bitterness and eventual bloody revolt, and an apocalyptic future much like terminator, but with more toasters and a catchier soundtrack.

I can’t find love

Then let love find you.

The best way to gain a partner is to use some kind of snare to get a member of the opposite sex to notice you, and then you can move forward from there. good examples of snares include interesting clothes, a new haircut or what I use, which is a large pit dug in the woods, covered with leaves (this does attract a fair number of bears though, which can be good or bad though depending on your mood)

My tumble-dryer keeps talking to me

Tell him to put a sock in it!

The cold

Then fight fire with fire. And by that I mean set things on fire, and then fight those things with more fires. Everyone loves a bit of fire, and none more so than pensioners, young children and log cabin residents, so why not give them an “incendiary surprise” to brighten their boring and previously non-combusting lives. Pretty soon you’ll be basking balmy heat, and you may even make the news

I hate mornings

Become nocturnal, that way you can mix things up by hating the evenings instead.

What’s better than being filled with rage as you watch the sunset?

There are students and other hippy types protesting in the financial centre of my city, what should I do?

GAS THE FUCKERS!!

The only sensible way to deal with peaceful protesters is the use of excessive force and chemical weaponry. Show no mercy as you poison and humiliate them for believing in something.

Use airstrikes if you can get them.


My essay about self-automated typewriters it going badly
Well, it won't write itself

Be Afraid - there is more than one Woodhouse

I happen to have a very talented sister named Tilly:
She will go far