Another Quantum Christmas

A Quantum Christmas

A Philosophical Christmas

Apologies for the awkward size....

Movie Mashup #3

Scott Pilgrim Vs Predator
When bass player Scott Pilgrim meets the girl of his dreams, what he doesn't count on, is that he'll have to defeat all of her evil ex-boyfriends - who are bloodthirsty aliens intent on hunting humans for sport.
Romantic thriller with great cast.
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Movie Mashup #2

Dark Knight at the Museum
Single father Ben Stiller has just begun his new job at the Natural History Musuem, only to find that it has been taken over by psychopathic crime lord, the Joker.
In order to save his museum, his relationship with his son, and several hostages, Stiller must assume the identity of the historical nemesis of clowns - The Bat.
Excellent educational thriller
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Movie Mashup #1

The Pursuit of Happy Feet
In this touching family comedy/drama, Will smith must face adversity and a cruel world to achieve his dream of having a pet dancing penguin.
His struggle will take him to the far south pole, and he'll make some unlikely friends in the process.
A great watch for all the family
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Update! - facebook button

There is now a happy little facebook button hiding around here somewhere.
But, he will get sad eventually and return to alcoholism and quite possibly domestic abuse.
Unless, that is, you click him every once and a while, to let him know that you care.
Click like - don't destroy a family

VZE7YZDYBX4X
Those were some letters.
And numbers.

Where are they looking?

Things that should have been in Harry Potter

Unfortunately, I recently found my self feeding the all consuming power that is the Harry Potter franchise, by going to watch the latest Harry potter film: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

As I watched, there was one point that nagged me, other than the bad acting, the fact the Daniel Radcliffe is so old for the part that he's seriously thinking about his pension, and the fact that most of the characters completely forget that they have the ability to use magic most of the time, and that was their reluctance to use magic for anything useful or cool.

If magic was a part of my world, it would be a different story, and to illustrate this, here are 12 ideas that I believe should be in the Harry Potter universe:

1) Magic Mobile Phones

It strikes me that phones, or even a magical equivalent would be incredibly useful in the Harry Potter universe. There is a scene when Harry sticks his face in a fire to talk to someone, when a simple text would have sufficed.

This would eliminate the, in my opinion, frankly cruel practise of making owls fly the length and breadth of the country in order to deliver your Christmas cards.

That said, owls are pretty pimpin.

2) Magic Drugs

With the sort of chemical activity that we're told occurs regularly at Hogwarts, why isn't there a thriving drug culture?

 Not only does it appear to be relatively easy to steal magical ingredients, but you'd assume that with potions to do most things, there would be some wizards who'd dream up incredible highs, which would not only be better than normal drugs, but hopefully not kill you so much either.

3) Promiscuity

When you have a bunch of teenagers, whose hormones are presumably reverberating around them like so many fireworks in a small shed, locked in together in a large building, I find it hard to believe that a quick snog under some mistletoe in a magic room is all that happens.

It strikes me that Hogwarts should probably invest in a substantial sexual health clinic, as I shudder to think what magic STDs are like.

 4) Drunk magic

Presuming that there is alcohol available in the magic community, it seems the next obvious thing that wizards should be getting drunk and doing stupid things magically.

Surely wizards would be waking up to find that they have no money, no memory, the penis you drew on your friend has become a real penis, and that your car now has feet.

5) Cheap methods of broom-less flight:

1.     Wear shoes

2.     Use levitation spell on shoes

3.     FLY!!

6) The Internet!

Surely having a massive source of information like the internet would appeal to the magical community, and make life easier for everyone.

Hermione seems to spend an inordinate amount of time in the library, where as everyone else would simply Google it.

Want to know what a horcrux is? - Wikileaks

Want to find out a certain spell? - Magipedia ©

Surely the marauder's map would be handy as an iphone app?

Surely blogs could replace pensieves?

7) Silenced Wand

As pictured above, the wand is fitted with a suppressor to remove that pesky whoosh sound whenever you attempt to so much as magically wipe your own nose, and also reduces the massive light flash.

This enables stealth take-downs and eliminates the need to leap blindly into rooms full of bad people, and let luck do the rest.

I picture a black-ops style operation in which highly trained wizard teams can stealthily take out targets, without long, special effects heavy fights, which seem to consist of playing tennis using fire.

8) Firearms

I've been saying this for a long time, but surely guns would be highly effective against even really good wizards.

I find it hard to believe that say, Dumbledore could successfully block a supersonic .50 cal round. In fact I'd say he'd have no idea what hit him.

While the problem that magic is arguably more powerful than guns does hold water, as presumably spells are bulletproof, then a simple solution still suggests itself:

Magic Guns – you can’t argue with that

9) The Hand-bag house

In the latest instalment of the book, Hermione goes all Mary Poppins, and reveals that her handbag can house a small library as well as loads of other useful stuff.

Other than the obvious problems of it weighing a ton, and the fact that the bag's opening is too small to fit a lot of things through, it strikes me as the obvious thing to simply get inside it.

Presumably you could create your wizard crib in there and do the whole “we’re in hiding” thing, in the lost property of a starbucks somewhere.

10) Anyone at all who knows even basic Latin

Surely there must have been someone somewhere in the harry potter world who thought to themselves “wait a minute, the spell for fire, is suspiciously similar to the Latin word for fire”. What I am forced to conclude from this, is that the Romans were all wizards, and this has been hushed up, and is now some sort of joke at the expense of non-wizards. They must hang around the Colosseum smirking and saying to themselves “these guys think that they built this with their hands!! – gullible fools”

This also goes a little way to explaining why they wear robes and speak Latin in the Catholic Church.

11) X-ray specs

These would definitely have been invented, probably by Fred and George, as a way to let people see through Hermione’s robes.

It could be done.

And it so would have been.

12) A sense of duty to actually help the world?

There are a number of things like pollution, poverty and AIDS, which I get the feeling that a magic wand could probably go a long way towards helping with.

Now, I don’t mean to sound like a goddamn hippy here, but if a hungry Ethiopian saw a wizard pulling roast chicken out of the air, he’d start trying to eat his own limbs.
Are wizards completely ignorant, or are they just selfish dicks?

Cash For Gold!

This is wonderful
. .

Creativity

Most pandas are in fact terrible people

A Quick Thought

Why do they bother to have a round clock on countdown, when they only use half?

How to make the atmosphere of a small space, much worse

We've all been in small, crowded places with strangers, such as crowded trains, tubes, buses and lifts.
As they are not only annoying, but also boring, here are some ways to make what ever journey you're undertaking more interesting:

• Complain loudly about how crowded it is in here - be sure to ask people if they've noticed
• Pass out sexual health leaflets
• See how much skin on skin contact you can achieve
• Fart loudly - stare down anyone who looks at you
• Attempt a series of stretches on the grounds that you can get cramp from standing still for too long
• Fail to discreetly tell other passengers that you suspect another passenger hasn't showered in a while
• Loudly state: "well this is awkward"
• Chose one person - stare at them
• Release bees - lots of bees
• (lifts only) As the lift begins to rise, put one hand in the air like superman and exclaim "to the skies!"
• See how many times you can revolve on the spot before the journey ends
• Record all your thoughts on the journey so far - using a Dictaphone
• See how much clothing you can remove before you are stopped
• Clumsily grope people on the grounds you stumbled - make it clear this is not the case
• Attempt non verbal seduction
• Attempt very verbal seduction
• Put headphones in, and play loud music from a concealed source - fail to notice people's complaints as you bop along
• Swoon
• "you know, we're only a few layers of clothing away from an orgy" - followed by a wink
• Attempt to prepare a substantial meal - bring cooking equipment if possible
• Inform people, for their own safety, that you have "a condition". When they ask what, grin maniacly and say "you'll see soon enough"
• Hold a number of referendums on various contentious topics
• Attempt to start a brake dancing contest
• Clutch a stranger and say "If we crash and die, will you hold me?"
• "I just want to let everyone know, i'm no longer contagious"
• Begin humming a favourite tune, built in volume, and then explode into the chorus, complete with air guitar
• Attempt to bless people, using various holy substances if possible
• Challenge someone to a duel for invading your personal sovereign space
• "Has anyone seen my bomb? I put it down around here somewhere"
• Ask people if they know what the correct procedure for dealing with a flash flood is
• Accuse people of stealing your oxygen
• Count out loud
• Try and escape

Author's note:

I wrote this on my phone while sharing a space just large enough to fit a small horse in (or just over 2 pandas) with approximately 10 strangers on a long train journey.

One man looked over my shoulder to see what I was writing, and when he'd seen, he looked at me imploringly, as if begging me not to actually try any of these.

I gave a sinister grin in response.